I never wanted kids. I wanted a career, I wanted to climb the corporate ladder. I wanted to keep going back to school for higher degrees. We were married six months when we found out we were expecting our first child. At the time I was working in a doctor’s office and I asked my co-worker to administer a pregnancy test. She smiled and gave me a big hug and said ‘congratulations, it’s positive.’ I felt like my whole world crumbled. I held back my tears in front of my co-worker, as I did not want her to think I was a terrible person for not being excited about this news. But I definitely was not excited. In fact, I would even say that I was in denial. I was a little numb. And honestly, I was a little upset. Why God? I don’t want kids. My life is forever changed and not in the way I want. I truly did not think it fair that there were so many women who longed to be a mother and couldn’t be, and yet here I am with no desire to be a mother and having a child without even “trying.”

My first check-up came just a few weeks later, somewhere around 8-10 weeks pregnant. At first, there was no heartbeat. I truly did not know how to process that. I thought it was some form of punishment for not being excited. An ultrasound would reveal a growing, healthy baby with a heartbeat (we would learn later that for whatever reason, my body structure does not allow a heartbeat to be heard that early in pregnancy). But I saw my baby’s heart beating. The world around will tell us that the unborn are not human until they are born, that they are disposable. But I did not just hear my baby’s heartbeat, I saw it, ever so small, but pumping away. I saw the life within me. I would love to say after this I no longer struggled and was filled with complete joy. But that was not my reality. I struggled, even more, I was in denial even more. Fast-forward to our 20-week ultrasound. I struggled to look at the screen. I did not want to see my baby. At one point I turned my head and cried. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. And yet it was supposed to be exactly this way. I did end up looking at the screen and I was in awe. But it really would not be until I held our daughter in my arms that I knew this was the life I was meant to have.

I did not enjoy being pregnant, and not just in this first pregnancy, but in my subsequent ones as well. As far as pregnancy goes, I had “easy” pregnancies. But I did not enjoy it. I have friends who loved every minute of being pregnant. Was there something wrong with me? Am I a terrible mother and person for not wanting to be pregnant? Am I a terrible Christian because I don’t like being pregnant? Am I supposed to love being pregnant? These are things that I have wrestled with.

Every life is precious, every life matters, and every life is planned by God. I truly don’t think we have to love pregnancy. I love my children and I would never change them. I don’t have to love the 9 months leading up to their birth. Just because I didn’t love pregnancy does not mean that I cannot love my children.

My life was completely changed when our oldest daughter was placed in my arms. Becoming a mother changed me. How can it not? At that moment I knew I did not want to work (I did), I would give up my dreams for her (I did). The thing is, my dreams and desires changed when I became a mom. I still dream of higher education, and maybe one day, but for today being with my kids is my priority. I can see now how just her birth alone led me on a path that led me to where I am today, to where I am supposed to be today. I am not living the life I imagined; I am living the life I was meant to live—the life God ordained for me before I was even born. Even in our uncertainties and our own desires, God has a plan for us that we cannot even imagine.

Today I am praying that you find joy in your personal journey. I pray you find comfort in knowing that God has big plans for you. Mostly, I pray that you know that you are worthy; you matter; you are a wonderful, beautiful creation made in God’s own image!

Be blessed today!

– Heather