I never wanted kids. I wanted a career, I wanted to climb the corporate ladder. I wanted to keep going back to school for higher degrees. We were married six months when we found out we were expecting our first child. At the time I was working in a doctor’s office and I asked my co-worker to administer a pregnancy test. She smiled and gave me a big hug and said ‘congratulations, it’s positive.’ I felt like my whole world crumbled. I held back my tears in front of my co-worker, as I did not want her to think I was a terrible person for not being excited about this news. But I definitely was not excited. In fact, I would even say that I was in denial. I was a little numb. And honestly, I was a little upset. Why God? I don’t want kids. My life is forever changed and not in the way I want. I truly did not think it fair that there were so many women who longed to be a mother and couldn’t be, and yet here I am with no desire to be a mother and having a child without even “trying.”
My first check-up came just a few weeks later, somewhere around 8-10 weeks pregnant. At first, there was no heartbeat. I truly did not know how to process that. I thought it was some form of punishment for not being excited. An ultrasound would reveal a growing, healthy baby with a heartbeat (we would learn later that for whatever reason, my body structure does not allow a heartbeat to be heard that early in pregnancy). But I saw my baby’s heart beating. The world around will tell us that the unborn are not human until they are born, that they are disposable. But I did not just hear my baby’s heartbeat, I saw it, ever so small, but pumping away. I saw the life within me. I would love to say after this I no longer struggled and was filled with complete joy. But that was not my reality. I struggled, even more, I was in denial even more. Fast-forward to our 20-week ultrasound. I struggled to look at the screen. I did not want to see my baby. At one point I turned my head and cried. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. And yet it was supposed to be exactly this way. I did end up looking at the screen and I was in awe. But it really would not be until I held our daughter in my arms that I knew this was the life I was meant to have.
I did not enjoy being pregnant, and not just in this first pregnancy, but in my subsequent ones as well. As far as pregnancy goes, I had “easy” pregnancies. But I did not enjoy it. I have friends who loved every minute of being pregnant. Was there something wrong with me? Am I a terrible mother and person for not wanting to be pregnant? Am I a terrible Christian because I don’t like being pregnant? Am I supposed to love being pregnant? These are things that I have wrestled with.
Every life is precious, every life matters, and every life is planned by God. I truly don’t think we have to love pregnancy. I love my children and I would never change them. I don’t have to love the 9 months leading up to their birth. Just because I didn’t love pregnancy does not mean that I cannot love my children.
My life was completely changed when our oldest daughter was placed in my arms. Becoming a mother changed me. How can it not? At that moment I knew I did not want to work (I did), I would give up my dreams for her (I did). The thing is, my dreams and desires changed when I became a mom. I still dream of higher education, and maybe one day, but for today being with my kids is my priority. I can see now how just her birth alone led me on a path that led me to where I am today, to where I am supposed to be today. I am not living the life I imagined; I am living the life I was meant to live—the life God ordained for me before I was even born. Even in our uncertainties and our own desires, God has a plan for us that we cannot even imagine.
Today I am praying that you find joy in your personal journey. I pray you find comfort in knowing that God has big plans for you. Mostly, I pray that you know that you are worthy; you matter; you are a wonderful, beautiful creation made in God’s own image!
Be blessed today!
by Heather Weaver
Hi there, I’m Heather!
I was raised in Massachusetts but currently live in Millersburg, Pennsylvania with my husband and our three children. I have a Bachelor’s of Art Degree from Eastern University where I studied Public Relations, Advertising, and Marketing.
I am currently the Director of Lifeline Pregnancy Care Center in my hometown where we serve local families in a myriad of ways. I also coach soccer and am on the board of our local soccer club.
For more information on Lifeline Pregnancy Care Center, click here.
Signs & Wonders Lunch Box Notes
Of all that God has creatively and perfectly crafted, YOU are His best design! And YOU were made for miracles, signs & wonders! This printable set of encouraging lunch box notes includes 10 unique notes each featuring a powerful Bible-based identity truth and statement. These fun and colorful cards serve as a perfect reminder of who your child is and the BIG God who is within them, no matter where they are.
Kintsugi has always intrigued me. When a small dish from the treasury of my Grandma’s china that had been passed down to me broke the other week, I almost tossed it right into the trash can. But mid toss I stopped and said out loud, ‘No. Verna! She knows how to do kintsugi! I want to do that with this dish.’ At that point I immediately picked up the phone and put in my request for a little help and know-how for the project which turned into a fun morning and lunch together.
In the past, and sometimes still, I can find it difficult to slow down the intake and focus on being established instead of frantically going for more. I’m learning that it’s okay to give myself permission to listen to the same message or read the same chapter over and over again; to learn and re-learn a new habit; to move in peace and let the message or lesson sink deeply into my spirit.
I haven’t always done well with living in touch with the desires inside of me. I haven’t always seen or treated them as gifts. But God is teaching me the beauty of them. The more I learn to lean into and trust the Holy Spirit, the more He’s teaching me the joy and the graceful art of embracing those desires while simultaneously releasing them and going quietly on with what is ‘today’.