Teaching Identity & Purpose from the Start

This morning was a mix of play and work, cloudy faces and happy faces. In the middle of folding Sunday and Monday’s laundry with the little tots I wondered, ‘what did Eve struggle with as a Mom?’ The first mom ever. No other moms before her or around her to compare herself with. No endless approaches to sort through. No moms saying you ‘should’ this or that. She was the first. Was she a crunchy perfect organic mom? Or was she okay with peanut butter and jelly sandwich days for her boys? Did she struggle to respond instead of react? Did she get tired of telling her kids for the 99th time to ‘chew with your mouth closed’? Or did she just let that one slide? Did she struggle to make the choice to stay present some days? Did she ever snap and tell Adam, ‘I need a break?’

I never wanted kids. I wanted a career, I wanted to climb the corporate ladder. I wanted to keep going back to school for higher degrees. We were married six months when we found out we were expecting our first child. At the time I was working in a doctor’s office and I asked my co-worker to administer a pregnancy test. She smiled and gave me a big hug and said ‘congratulations, it’s positive.’ I felt like my whole world crumbled. I held back my tears in front of my co-worker, as I did not want her to think I was a terrible person for not being excited about this news. But I definitely was not excited. In fact, I would even say that I was in denial. I was a little numb…

There’s always been something so scary to me about being intimately known by my Daddy God. Thinking of Him being ridiculously fond of me seems…bizarre. Why would He? But lately, one tiny step at a time, my tiny little son is opening my heart up to being okay with Papa God’s crazy love for me. His unexplainable wild delight in me, His girl, even with all my quirks and frights. His creation.

You aren’t big enough to wreck it in one single day—especially not when you hand all the pieces over to the One who is bigger than the messy minutes of the day. He blends the pieces you give Him together beautifully and adds a silver lining. I. WILL. TRUST. HIM. For myself and for my kiddos. That’s a choice I get to make at the end of every day. And I still choose being a mom.

This morning as I walked in the rain, I kept thinking about what a kind Daddy God I have and His thoughts over me. So kind in fact that He COMMANDS His loving kindness towards me. (Psalms 42:8) In the last part of that same verse it says that His songs will be with me in the night…

I’ve been a sucker this week for letting “future dance” worries steal the current dance moves and twirls. It has been a bit chaotic in my head and heart. I forgot gratitude and everything else I thought I had. I fumbled and fell. But I am rising again! I find Him in the chaos and muddled thoughts. He comes faithfully and I allow myself to feel His presence as He wraps His arms around me when I come to my senses and just call and acknowledge His nearness; acknowledge that He is never far, He is always here, even when I don’t feel it.

Was there anyone else out there that was super excited to see the new Mary Poppins movie? Well, if you were like me, you were counting down the days to get to go see this movie. It was supposed to be a “mommy outing”—just some time for me to go out and get some alone time. But…I thought it would be fun to take my oldest son, Judah. There was a fun part in the movie when Mary Poppins was preparing the children for bath time and as the children entered the tub, they “went down the drain” and ended up in a cartoon illustrated ocean with lots of colorful fish and coral. I turned to look at my son to catch his reaction and he was WIDE-EYED with his mouth hanging open in total AWE.

Just about every morning after my oldest wakes up, we say our good mornings and give hugs and kisses and he will ask, “Where’s Daddy?” And every morning I respond that Daddy is at work. Over the last week, each morning as we have gone through this repetitive dialogue, I felt the nudging of the Holy Spirit each time he would ask where his father was. I asked God what it was that He was wanting me to see in this. I felt like God was saying that in parenting, we face so many challenges, tests, and trials that leave us saying, “God, where are you??? Where’s Daddy?” We spend so much time praying for our children and ourselves as parents and doing our very best to instruct them in the ways of the Lord…

I had quite the funny experience with my three-year-old yesterday and I thought surely there is a blog for this moment. This morning when I woke up, I asked Holy Spirit what the title of the article should be, and I immediately heard, “what goes in must come out!” I burst into laughter thinking “very funny Jesus,” as the experience that I am about to share with you has to do with potty training. With 18-month-old twins and a baby on the way, I have been quite determined to make sure our oldest, Judah—who just turned 3—is fully potty trained before our little princess gets here…

On August 1st, 2017 my husband and I miscarried and experienced the most unexplainable and painful hurt of losing a child. Going to the doctor for our confirmation appointment and never getting to see and hear a heartbeat was incomprehensible, especially after two healthy pregnancies.